Uncategorized 19 Dec 2008 03:16 pm
Tattoos
Each of my tattoos holds special meaning for me, although I didn’t always realize it at the time. They are a part of who I am, and something I’m proud of.
The first, a fairy star, the continuous movement of energy, with a waxing crescent moon in blue in the center. The moon symbolized both psychic awareness, and the maiden, the color, peace. This was my attempt to stay connected with you, though you had died three months before.
The second, a tramp stamp of a celtic knot with ivy wound upon it. The points of the knot represent earth, air and water. This was me trying to stay grounded and balanced, although at the same time I was reaching out for the desire and approval of men, to try to fill the void, and sense of abandonment I felt. You were still gone.
The third, the red dragon, the one you drew for me. When you gave it to me, you said it was inspired by the anger I had been carrying when we met. This time it represented the new anger I held at the world for taking you away.
Then, another tramp stamp, a four leaf clover on my hip. While still rooted in a need to feel wanted by men, this was also me trying to force myself into a persona that was happy and carefree. Well adjusted and moved past all that sadness and anger. Yup. Totally okay here people.
Some time later, I started on the phoenix on my back, an ambitious commitment, requirement many sessions over a few years time, and a lot of money I didn’t have when I started. It’s still not totally finished, although it no longer looks unfinished to those that don’t know the vision for the final piece. That first day, when I sat for just the outlines, it was my conscious decision to let you go, to heal, to conquer my circumstances. I still stumbled here and there, but with each session, I emerged with more ink added, and more weight lifted.
When I eventually reached a certain point, I was able to let someone else in, really, and not at arm’s length. After we’d been dating a while, we went on a small vacation, and I got a small tattoo, a skull on my finger. Sure, I like skulls anyway, but this was also me saying goodbye to you, and promising not to forget you.
A while later, he proposed, and I got another tattoo I’d been thinking about, a family of penguins. For me, this symbolized happiness (they are just so darn cute!) as well as teamwork, and ultimately, love. I’ve been fond of penguins since early childhood, and mentally associate them with good things. It all started with one little Christmas ornament from a catalog, which I loved as a toddler and carried around the catalog to show it to pretty much everyone. Despite its expense, my parents ordered it for me. Every time their tree goes up, I put that ornament on it. It’s a little penguin on a pair of skis, with a little scarf and hat. To a toddler of course it’s a pingle on sticks instead of a penguin on skis, but I did eventually get the pronunciation right.
Things go swimmingly with this new man. On a vacation to visit friends I get a new tattoo, this one a trio of orchids. I tend to gravitate toward designs in threes, it seems. I’m literally blooming again and ready to step into it and fully let myself believe it’s real, to love without constant fear it’ll all be gone in one instant, again. I think I chose orchids because my mother had at the time been really into them, she had loved you too, and was left to watch me mourn you.
Last night I had some more work done, a snowflake added to my wintery penguin scene. I have a few more sessions to go to add a couple more snowflakes and blend it all together. This piece marks my upcoming wedding. I also kind of see it as my last big step in cleansing all my old fear and sadness, my final test to pass.
He got his first tattoo last night, a decision on his part to mark the wedding and his own journey to this point. He was in good company with his brother and our friends. Although I’m very sad I was not there with him for it, I know that he did not take the decision lightly, and really understands the commitment of a tattoo, and I am proud.























